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The Weekly update to life in post-apartheid South Africa.
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|16 January 2007|
1. Castle - unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate who drink alcohol purely because they do not have DSTV or a girlfriend. This type thinks NuMetro is a kind of posh train service and that News Café is a bookshop. If you are a boss and you are looking for a loyal employee, look no further than a Castle drinker.
2. Hansa - this group is made up mostly of guys who used to be on the cutting edge 10 years ago in the 90's - but nobody has told them that having a studded fake diamond earring in one ear and gold-capped teeth ceased being socially-acceptable in 1994. Because 90% of them have a cheesekop, they think anyone with any hair "i-bhari".
3. Carling Black Label - stay away from this lot. If they have never been to jail it's because our Safety and Security Ministry is so inefficient or they are out on bail. Thugs, gangsters, murderers, Pirates fans and wife-beaters. Will never own a better car than a 1992 Mazda Sting with 17-inch rims.
4. Amstel - wannabe intellectual types who are label-conscious. On a Saturday afternoon the average Amstel drinker is typically dressed in a Bafana jersey, Diesel jeans and red R1,200 Nike sneakers. Typically drive a Golf V and own a Nokia 9300 phone.
5. Heineken - wannabe, pretentious types who fancy themselves to be unique and on the cutting edge. Truth be told, they hate the taste of Heineken but will be damned if they will have their first love, Hansa. In 10 years, they will be just like today's Hansa drinkers i.e. the guys everybody laughs at because they support Sundowns.
6. Windhoek Lager - read the Heineken description but add, "don't have the money to buy Heineken"
7. Miller - closet fags who only have Miller in public. Truth be told, they are really Brutal Fruit/Bacardi Breezer/Smirnoff Spin drinkers in private.
8. Savannah - alcoholics who are acutely aware of that "6% v/v" on the label.
9. Castle Milk Stout - aggressive alcoholics who do not know what "6% v/v" means.
10. Castle Lite - serious alcoholics who have bought into that "the one to have when you're having more than one". They are generally intelligent but argumentative types who secretly resent Milk Stout and Savannah drinkers because that is what they really want to drink. They tend to like quoting statistics, "you know that the calorie content in a regular beer is equivalent to 7 seven loaves of bread" they'll say as they down their 17th beer.
11. Hunter's Dry - reformed beer drinkers or rural types with big hands (from ploughing).
12. Bacardi Breezer/Brutal Fruit/ Hooch/Smirnoff Spin - one of two things, (a) fags or (b) newcomers to the drinking game.
13. Wine - fags.
14. J&B/Dewars - poor. Cannot tell the difference between whisky and brandy.
15. Jack Daniels/Johnny Walker Red and Black - like whisky but do not know the difference between bourbon and a Scotch. Drink whisky because they just like the taste.
16. Jameson/Glenfiddick/Chivas/Dimple - serious whisky connoisseurs. Or serious 'wannabee's'.
17. Smirnoff 1818 - check Carling Black Label description then add "rapists" to it.
18. Mellowood/ Richelieu/ Martell/ Klipdrift (and similar) - violent. Call every spirit "brandy", even Johnnie Walker. If less than 40 in age, poor. Chances are they will own a Kaizer Chiefs/ Pirates makalabha and a vuvuzela to go with it..
19. KWV 10/Klipdrift Premium (and similar) - actually like brandy.
20. KWV 5 - wannabe brandy connoisseur without the money.
1. Any beer - slut.
2. Milk Stout - prostitute.
3. Barcadi Breezer/Hooch - believe men owe them a living and do not really know that Hooch's go for R16 a pop at News Café because they have never actually bought it for themselves. At their own places you will find Brutal Fruit/Smirnoff Spin empties in their waste.
4. Brutal Fruit/Smirnoff Spin - cheap bargain hunters you will generally see in the front of the Edgars Red Hanger Sale.
5. Wine by the glass - pretentious bitches that think they have arrived because they drive a Peugeot 206/Renault Clio. They live in snazzy townhouses they can't afford and are probably at the pub looking for a dumb arsehole to subsidize their car instalments/ townhouse rent/overdraft repayments.
6. Wine by the bottle - (bottles of JC Le Roux, Cold Duck, Graca Rose or similar excluded.) Classy. Powerful. Know what they want and generally have a Beemer parked outside.
7. Amarula Cream (and similar) - Horny. Like all the time.
8. Whisky (any whisky) - even hornier.
9. Brandy (any brandy) - horny civil servant types.
Thanks Karin (Ireland)