| You know you
live in South Africa when ... The
main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter
who 'spik inglish' no good and 'dimunds' that the head of Anglo American
resigns or faces the consequences.
The police advise
you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night, but
rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.
People would
rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would
have to make them themselves.
You don't stop
at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
The Student Union
'dimunds' that academic achievement shouldn't be a criterion for university
acceptance, as it is discriminatory.
Landlords may
not evict illegal squatters unless they offer them alternative accommodation.
Protest-marching
strikers trash everything in their path and that's okay, but a peaceful
gay rights march is condemned.
Post Office workers
are videotaped opening the mail and stealing the contents, but the film
may not be used in evidence because the workers were not informed that
they were being filmed and filming is an intrusion on their privacy.
A government
Minister is caught driving her car with a forged license, but the case
is dropped for "lack of evidence".
A minister of
religion who stole millions from overseas-donated funds for the oppressed,
returns to the country to a hero's welcome and is officially welcomed
by the government, represented by the Minister of Justice.
Government ministers
meet with masked gang leaders to ask their advice on how to reduce crime
and violence.
Scholars protest
at the lack of schooling facilities by destroying school buildings.
Two tourist athletes
are murdered in their beds and the President says it won't affect tourism.
The entire country
sees a thug admit on TV news to murdering several people, but the police
say they have no case.
Votes have to
be recounted until the right party wins.
Your insurance
is higher than the repayments on your car.
You consider
it a good month if you only get mugged once.
Rwandan refugees
start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
People start
joking about the crime rate.
The police ask
you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
The police asks
you for your attackers' details so they can go and arrest him/her.
You paint your
car's registration number on the roof in large letters.
Afrikaans TV
programmes are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans
programme, and a Zulu advert.
Minister is fired
and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the B-number-plated Bee-Em.
The currency
takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.
Students from
Vaal Driehoek Technikon 'dimund' that their debt is written off . . .
At Pretoria Technikon.
A 45-year-old
engineer is replaced by a 25-year-old who cannot write his own name.
The employees
DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
10% of the city's
population pays for everyone else's electricity and water supply, and
get prosecuted if they refuse to pay.
A murderer gets
a 2-year sentence and a pirate TV viewer a 6-month sentence.
The Constitutional
Court declares the death sentence unconstitutional, but rules that abortion
is okay.
The prisoners
strike.
Crime actually
DOES pay.
People are allowed
to reclaim land (for free) that's been bought from their forefathers.
The government
GIVES people houses, and they complain by setting fire to them.
You can't even
go on a business trip to OZ without somebody asking knowingly: Oh, having
a look around, are you?
You realise after
watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.
They bring in
the innovative idea of selling scratch cards to alleviate congestion in
post office queues.
You are expected
to carry a driver's licence that doesn't fit into your wallet.
You have to prove
you don't need a loan to get one.
A shop clerk
makes you feel as if he / she is doing you a favour by letting you buy
from their shop.
The fact that
there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is
more important than the result of the election.
The most popular
vehicle is a 4X4 designed for driving in snow (the reason for this may
be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations).
You no longer
request anything, you "DIMUND" it.
You know what
"vowlence" is.
People tell you
that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so bad over
there.
A minibus taxi
passes you, just to stop right in front of you.
Where the road
narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way. |
