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16 October 2007

With South Africa in the final against England this coming weekend and all the jokes I've received during the past couple of weeks, I've compiled some jokes here for your pleasure...(new jokes at the bottom of the page)

All Blacks

Q. What do you do for a drowning New Zealand Rugby player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

Q. What's the difference between the All blacks and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 5 matches.

Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of the All Blacks players on them.
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in an All Black jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break. The first one says, 'Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered.'
The second surgeon says, 'Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The third surgeon says, 'Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The fourth one says, 'I prefer New Zealand Rugby players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and bums are interchangeable.'

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.
He asks his friend 'What's happened to your car ?'
'Well,' the friend responds, 'I ran over Richie McCaw'.
'OK,' says the man, 'that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?'
'Well, he tried to escape through the park.'

Q. What do you have when the All Blacks are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead All Black player on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.


England shirt

Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one fan noticed a foot protruding from a clump of bushes on the side of the road. They all stopped and discovered it was a nude female, drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.

The All-Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the springbok cap, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All-Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.

The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, lifted it replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked," what are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep
lifting and looking lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer," I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an arsehole!"


Dear Women

1. From 7 September to 20 October 2007, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations.  If you fail to do this , then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored.  DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, the VCR and DVD are all mine, at all times, without any exceptions.  If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye that is).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.  If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold I won't have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat.  You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the second floor....it won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 24 beers in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on.  Oh, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games.  In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12pm and 3pm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

6. Please, please, please, if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say 'get over it, it's only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'.  If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.  Remember, you will never ever know more about rugby than me and your so called 'words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me.  In addition, please note I am saying ' one' game, hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to 'spend time together'.

8. The replays of the tries are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times, and record them.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying 'but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch??', the reply will be: 'Refer to Rule #2 of this list'.

12. Please save your expressions such as 'Thank goodness the World Cup is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the reruns of the Rugby World Cup, etc, etc.

13. And finally, if you are female and your "man" likes rugby less than you, he is not a real man and shall be bound by these rules and additionally be referred to as "the bitch" for the duration of the World Cup

Thank you for your cooperation.

Men of the world


*Response to List of Rules (Read and print them)*

1. From 7 Sept to 20 October 2007, DO NOT complain about the lack of sex you will be receiving.

2. During the RugbyWorld Cup, the television is yours and the credit card is mine.

3. If you have to pass out in front of the TV don't expect a loving tap on the shoulder To remind you to stop drooling Oh and no blanket will be laid over you - enjoy the cold.

4. During the games I will not be around to listen to you screaming at the Television Set THE REF CANNOT HEAR YOU!

5. It would be a good idea for you to make friends with the maid as she is the only Women who will clean up after you and your friends (and that is only because she Is being paid - with your credit card)

6. Please, please, please!! If you see new clothes and shoes don't ask where they come from - wait for your credit card statement.

7. Thank you for the invite to watch a game with you but in reality I would rather chew my hand off - it would be far more entertaining.

8. I totally understand that you need to watch replays - your brain is little and needs time to absorb information.

9. No babies will be born but a lot of girls nights will be had - don't ask where I have been or with who.

10. Enjoy watching the game at your friends place on a Sunday - but do me a favour and see if you can watch every game there - it would make my life a lot more pleasant.

11. Please see #8

12.Dont threaten with divorce - I am immune to the expression - good luck finding someone to put up with you.

13. Do not complain about my new hairdo, nails, products etc. At least one of us cares about our appearance. I love my country but you are not the only man in it.

Thank you for your cooperation.



---------------------------------------------24 October 2007-----------------------------------------

Nandos greetings

The British rugby team on their way home...

going home

England rugby practice was delayed for two hours this afternoon after a player reported finding a white powdery substance on the practice ground. Head coach Ashton immediately suspended practice while the police were called to investigate.

After a complete forensic search Scotland Yard determined that the white stuff which was unknown to the players was in fact the try line. Practice was continued as police were happy the players were unlikely to encounter the substance again...

concentration camp

They put our children and wives in concentration camps

Plundered our farms and stole our animals to force us to give into them from hunger

They torched our houses and burnt our crops



Support from the UK


Go Bokke Go.....


A little girl was sitting in her classroom in England when her teacher walked in and started talking about how proud she is to be English and how wonderful it is to be an England supporter. The teacher then asked everyone who supported England to put up their hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't up.

"Well," said the little girl, "because I don't support England."

Even more surprised, the teacher asked her who she supported. "I support the Springboks", she replied. Now a bit irritated, the teacher asked the little girl why she supported the Springboks. "My mom supports the Springboks, and my dad supports the Springboks, so I support the Springboks." The teacher looked at the little girl and with a smirk asked: "Well, if your mom was an idiot and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"

The little girl looked up at her teacher, smiled and replied:"An England supporter!"



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36-jarige Paul du Toit, 'n geheime agent in die Weermag tydens die laaste jare van wit oorheerste Suid Afrika, glo hy het sy gewelddadige lewe agtergelaat.

Thanks Linda, Glen, Pete, Sammy, Doris & Ivan.

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