are actual news excerpts from various national newspapers !!!
The Cape Times (Cape Town)
"I have promised to keep his identity
confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel,
Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment".
"We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When
I asked him why, he replied; ' Well, there are forty of them, two on each
floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.' Eventually, we realised
that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the
same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round.
I understand he is now working for Woolworths."
The Star (Johannesburg)
"The situation is absolutely under control,"
Transport Minister Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane.
"Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where
it is, that's all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted
that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship,
the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent
a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they
failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But
I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of
this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice
bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The
right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will
laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
The Standard (Kenya)
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka
Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International
Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in
the world. You people are not patriots.You just want to cause trouble".
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation
of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two
passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed
one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre,
and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty.
A passenger suggested taking the tyre
to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing
so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate
the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew
into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced
that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly
struck me about the face with a life-jacketwhistle and said we were a
national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there
was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would
be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."